equivocations | Noctium IC Inbox

[ Oh.

The soft rush of not quite pleasure, but some kind of relieved echo of it, that he gets at those words is... unexpected. Lan Xichen has spent many hours thinking back over his conversations with Mingjue and Guangyao, trying to figure out what the right thing to say had been and wondering what might have happened if only he had been good enough to find it, despairing that he ever thought himself good at mediation or saying the right thing.

He has gotten better about that, now, and is able to see beyond it to the times when he has helped, but hearing it so plainly from his betrothed is... it settles warmly inside a part of him he had not quite realized felt empty. ]

I don't know. With you, I say what is in my heart, and I hope.

[ His breath catches a little at that question. ]

I... I suppose I have thought about it many times, with different answers depending on the circumstances of my life.

Of course.

[he falls quiet again and squeezes his hand. Of course it depends on circumstances. This wouldn’t be one of them. Neither of them had a womb and it would be impossible. Jiang Cheng let’s go and stands up]

I need to check the inventory.

Ah - oh.

[ There's a flicker of uncertainty when Wanyin releases his hand and stands up. He supposes he should take that as an end to whatever conversation Lan Xichen thought Wanyin had been opening up. Wanyin clearly intends it to be one, and in the past Lan Xichen would have accepted such a clear dismissal, but -

He does not want to. This is Wanyin, and Lan Xichen knows him better than to assume he is withdrawing because he really wants the conversation to end, and not because he thinks Lan Xichen does not want to have this conversation with him.

He reaches out, snagging Wanyin's hand and tugging it back towards him. ]

Stay, please? I did not mean to imply that I did not want to discuss the specific circumstances.

There's no need to discuss. It's obvious what circumstances would allow for things like that. Our circumstance doesn't.

[But he doesn't move away. He stays exactly where he stands He swallows then takes a few steps back toward Lan Xichen.]

Is it obvious? I was thinking that, perhaps for the first time in a long time, our circumstances do.

[ His heart feels as though it is lodged in his throat as Wanyin takes those few steps back towards him, and he has to swallow as well to move past it. ]

When I was younger, I thought about it often. I wanted a large family, I wanted - many things. As I grew older, I accepted that I would likely have an arranged marriage and an heir, and I hoped that perhaps she would have some fondness for me, and allow me to have affection for her. I did not believe anyone would want the depth of love that I feared I was capable of, and so I resolved not to want it. I believed respect, fondness, and honest communication would be enough, and I could devote my love to my child. Then, for a time, I concluded perhaps it would be best if I did not marry at all.

[ For a time, there were many things that he concluded would be best if he did not attempt to do them again - but he is slowly working through that. ]

It has only been lately that I have begun to hope that perhaps the things I wanted when I was young are not impossible. With you, I have found myself wanting again.

[Is it true…? It has to be. Lan Xichen would never lie to him. He takes another step and another until he stands in front of him.. he reaches up and cups his cheeks. He finds himself trying to catch his breath]

…do you really?

[ The question is quietly whispered, as if he could ruin it by speaking too loudly]

[ His head tilts into the hand on his cheek, nuzzling into it as his chest tightens with the quiet uncertainty of Wanyin's question. ]

I want everything with you.

[ It comes out in a rush, even though he's said that before - at the time, he truly meant everything, but it was still in the context of romantic love and sexual intimacy. Now, he wants to make it clear that it includes family. ]

I... it is still sometimes difficult for me to believe that you truly want everything I have to give, but it is only with you that I feel safe enough to try. Wanyin, I love you, and I want nothing more than to see those same traits that I love about you in our children. I want a family with you, and I want to raise our children with the certainty that their parents love each other and them unconditionally.

[He kisses him barely after he finishes speaking, saying with his kiss what he struggles to say with words: I love you with everything I am, I want everything with you. He moves until he could straddle Lan Xichen in his chair, still kissing him.]

I want our children to see their parents love each other and them unconditionally. I want this family with you.

[He gently rubs his fingers through Lan Xichen’s hair, ignoring the still strange blue glow in his arm.]

…I want to achieve the possible with you.

[ He sighs into the kiss - by now, he knows how his betrothed expresses himself through his actions instead of words, and he can feel the love pouring out from every moment of the kiss.

His hands immediately settle at Wanyin's waist when he straddles his lap, and even though he'd just been thinking about how he wanted to make it clear that everything was not only sexual intimacy - ah, he is very definitely contemplating sexual intimacy at the moment. ]

With you, I believe we can do anything. [ The pads of his fingers slip under Wanyin's shirt so he can trace tiny circles over his bare skin, just above the waistband of his pants. ] It seems you embody the Jiang motto so well that even the Lan sect leader is convinced of it.

[ He kisses him again, heated and drawn out. ]

How easy you make it to want things with you, my A-Cheng - I want our family to grow and grow, surrounded by love.

[The sigh settles his rabbit fast heart and his touch calms him as it always does. When they part, he touches foreheads with him. It's not just sexual intimacy; it's romantic intimacy, emotional intimacy. It's how he feels the love from Lan Xichen in every touch, every kiss, every look. He gives a soft scoff at his beloved's comment about how he embodies the motto. The first time anyone besides his sister had ever related him to it in such a positive light. He kisses him back, feeling the heat seep into him in the kiss and lets out a soft moan.]

If there's a way, we'll find it. Our own family. Little ones, perhaps to raise as sect heirs themselves.

[He allows himself the hope. Hope to have nieces and nephews for his sister to dote on, for Wei Wuxian to dote on, for Sizhui and Jin Ling to have cousins]

[ The synchrony between them is strong enough not only to bath them in a soft glow of blue and purple, but for Lan Xichen to feel the shape of Wanyin's emotions, to feel his love and hope - exactly as he knows that Wanyin can likely feel the echo of Lan Xichen's own love and devotion, his fierce belief in Wanyin.

He is most certainly going to remember the way his comment about the Jiang motto made Wanyin scoff. Another thing to add to his list, for when he is of the mind to spend some more time showering his betrothed with the things that Lan Xichen believes about him that it seems few people ever told him. ]

A Jiang heir and a Lan heir, with as many siblings for them as possible. We can raise them together, and perhaps we can allow them to choose which sect they will become a disciple in when they are old enough.

[ He finds he likes the idea - a large family raised by both him and Wanyin. They have already started to twine their lives and their routines together here, after all, and he has no doubt that they can deepen it even further, and let their children choose which techniques and disciplines suit them when they are of an age to do so. ]

Our circumstances may make it so that we cannot simply have sex as often as possible to conceive, but we will find a way.

[ They both know that family goes deeper than blood relations, after all. ]

[He shivers a little at the feeling of Lan Xichen's belief in him. It's humbling and overwhelming as it washes through him and he can't help but capture his betrothed's lips again. As many children as possible. Letting them choose which sect to be a disciple with. Red creeps along his neck - no they cannot conceive the usual way. But, as they both have learned...well, lessons from his own father and from Lan Wangji, family isn't always blood.]

Somehow, I don't think that will stop you from trying.

[It's a soft tease. The day's stressors having been eased by bathing in this incredible feeling of being loved so wholly and completely by the man before him.]

[ There's another contented sigh as Wanyin steals a kiss again, knowing that it's an agreement with what Lan Xichen wants - that Wanyin wants it, too, that once again, they are in agreement about their mutual desires.

He huffs out a little laugh against Wanyin's lips at that tease, soft and pleased and just - happy. To have Wanyin like this, flushed red and relaxed in his lap, teasing him softly, when earlier this evening he knows his betrothed had intended on carrying the weight of his doubts in himself alone -

It is almost overwhelming, that they have this. That they are able to be this for each other, and Lan Xichen feels emotion lodge in his chest again at just how grateful he is that Wanyin has allowed him in like this.

He kisses him again, the curve of his smile obvious through it. ]

No, it will not. [ There's a pause as he considers leaving it there, but then he lets himself keep going, lets himself tease a little more in return. ] Would my beloved enjoy that? Shall I take you again and again in my attempts?

[He kisses him back. The red keeps creeping along his neck and he swears it's ridiculous how Lan Xichen gets him so easily flustered like this]

Ridiculous.

[Instead of refuting or agreeing, he kisses him again]

[ There's another soft laugh when Wanyin calls his teasing ridiculous, and he doesn't even try to hide the feelings of happiness that keep bubbling up, stronger even than the glow of their synchrony.

He hums softly when Wanyin kisses him again, kissing him back for a long moment before he drags his lips down over his jaw. ]

I love you. [ It's a rough murmur against his skin, as he nuzzles into Wanyin's flushed neck. ] I love you more than I ever thought I would allow myself - with you I am happier than I ever imagined I could be. I never want to be parted from you.

[His breath catches when his betrothed declares his love. It steals his breath every time that he has this incredible love from someone he never expected. Jiang Cheng feels his breath grow heavy and shivers go through him at the cool lips along his neck.]

Huan-ge...

[They should...they should focus on the subject matter at hand. He swallows, feeling his throat click and move along Lan Xichen's lips]

I want to be with you for all of our days. However long that will be. And I want...I want us to have a family. With many children.

[ He gives a contented hum at the way Wanyin shivers under his touch, how he starts to pant a little. His lips trail over to the line of his throat, just so he can feel his throat working as he swallows. ]

My heart.

[ His self control has become almost nonexistent around Wanyin, it seems - he always wants him, no matter how recently they have been intimate. He would be mildly concerned it is an effect of their frequent synchrony, like how they have started to be able to feel each other's emotions when they are connected like this, but - no, he knows it is just him, and Wanyin.

Lan Xichen had always had the capacity to want this badly, with the right person. And now he has found him. ]

I want that, too. We will find a way to make it happen, to raise our children as a family. I do not believe there is anything we cannot accomplish, if we are together.

[He gives a soft snort]

You say that I live up to the Jiang motto when you, my Huan-ge, seem to happily believe in the impossible.

[He tilts Lan Xichen's face up toward him again and kisses him slowly, savoring the taste of the other man's lips.]

I believe it...when you say that we'll be able to have a family, I believe it.

When it's you. [ He easily tips his head up where Wanyin directs it, eyes slipping shut as he kisses him back.

Only when it's Wanyin does he find it so easy to believe in the impossible, does he find himself having faith that they can have everything they want.

He swallows when Wanyin says that he believes it, that he believes they'll be able to have a family, and he rests his forehead against Wanyin's. ]

I thought being this happy was an impossibility. [ His voice is quiet murmur, lips gently brushing against Wanyin's in the softest of kisses. ] But look what you've done to me.

[Jiang Cheng swallows at how romantic and sweet his betrothed is. How lucky is he? He kisses Lan Xichen again to keep from saying such silly things out loud. When he parts, he leans to touch foreheads with Lan Xichen]

And what you've done to me.

[It's less toward Lan Xichen, more toward himself in wonder.]

I have only seen what has always been there, and loved you exactly as you are.

[ His eyes slide shut as their foreheads rest together, one hand tangling in the hair at the nape of Wanyin's neck so he can stroke absently through it. ]

I cannot undo the mistakes I have made, or the terrible things I helped do. But this - seeing you happy, knowing it is because of me, and that you will allow me to continue to try to make you happy?

[ He kisses him again, soft and achingly tender. ]

If I do nothing else good in this world or any other, for the rest of my life, it will be more than enough to see you smile.

[He kisses him back, tasting and comforting him in this lovers' kiss as he caresses and cradles his cheek. There are many crimes that Lan Xichen could say he was a part of, that he had a hand in indirectly or by turning a blind eye.]

Such a romantic, Huan-ge.

[It's a scoff but he has no malice or heat behind it. Jiang Cheng brushes his nose against his and enjoys this tender and sweet moment between them.]

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