equivocations | open rp post

His hands twist in the fabric of his clothing, just for something to do. This is as honest as Jiang Wanyin has been with him, and he can do nothing but be the same - but he has not often opened himself up like this. Only with his brother, or with his tiger - more, lately, with his tiger, enough that he has gotten used to being able to seek physical contact for comfort.

"I put myself in this position." And he hesitates before continuing, but Jiang Wanyin is to be his husband, is to be king with him. Hiding matters of the state, even family matters, makes no sense. "My father makes no decisions as the king. He has not for a very, very long time. My uncle is regent, but if I truly wanted, I could have overruled him."

And he had been tempted, oh, he had been so tempted - but it had never really been a question. It is what he does, putting his brother before himself, putting the needs of his people before his own.

"But he is right. My people will always come before everything else, and this is what is right for them. I believe that we can rule well together, Jiang Wanyin, and I should like it if we could become friends, but I have no expectations for anything else."

"Then we are alike in putting our people first. And that I have no expectations for anything other than potentially friendship."

Perhaps they could somehow work a way to fake the consummation. Neither of them would have a seal to break, so to speak. But...they'll cross that bridge when they get there. His heart is too busy breaking into a thousand more pieces for himself, for his dragon, and even for Lan Xichen. He hadn't even the moment to mourn his actual love before being ripped away from him. Jiang Cheng's steps quicken. If he's not careful, he'd snarl and pace.

When the Cloud Recesses are in sight and they had crossed the threshold, Jiang Cheng bows formally to Lan Xichen. The next time they would see each other would be when they took their vows.

"Until the ceremony."

It is a relief, at least, not to have to worry that Jiang Wanyin may have feelings for him, or that he may think Lan Xichen in love with him. A small favor, perhaps, but certainly one preferable to finding out that their hopes for this marriage were mismatched.

He bows in return, watching Jiang Wanyin leave and trying hard not to remember just this morning when he watched his tiger bound away from him. One he wanted to be with forever and will not see again unless some great tragedy were to befall them, the other he will be bound to for all of his days when he would be happy to have him as an ally seen only occasionally.

His mind wanders as he returns to his quarters to get ready, imagining such a thing - his tiger at his side as his co-ruler, negotiating mutually beneficial agreements. His tiger's knowledge of Yunmeng would be invaluable, his love for the place ensuring the best benefit for both kingdoms - would his tiger like Jiang Wanyin, if he was not the one married to the man who should be his? Would it please his tiger to take such an active role in the governing of the land he loved so much?

Foolish thoughts. Foolish, foolish, they only bring him more pain, only remind him that Jiang Wanyin deserves so much better than him.

There are a small handful of staff to help him get ready, and he thanks them for their efforts as they leave him once he's dressed. If he was being honest with himself, he might admit that it hurts that his brother is not here. But what would it matter if he did? One more slice of pain among all the others, and he reminds himself that if he cannot be happy, if Jiang Wanyin cannot be happy, if his beloved tiger cannot be happy - at least the brother he still treasures more than his own life can be, at least his people will be prosperous.

He meditates until his uncle comes to get him, clearing his mind completely, and he is numb once again by the time the ceremony begins and he is facing Jiang Wanyin for their vows.

He paces.

As soon as the doors shut and he locks himself into his chambers, he paces. He paces and he snarls and feels that itch beneath his skin to just shift. Damn everything. Damn his father. Damn Lan Xichen. Damn Wei Wuxian. Damn all of them!

He just wants to feel his dragon again. He just wants to be held by him, scent him. If things were different. Would his dragon like the warmer climes of Yunmeng? Would he want to splash in the sweet, warm waters? How would he look with lotuses in his horns? Would he be the kind of consort--Jiang Cheng swallows...would he be the sort of consort that would help him rule over Yunmeng fairly? Justly?

...would his dragon love hear the rumors and assume that he was the tiger and think he had abandoned him?

Jiang Cheng feels the hot prick of tears in his eyes and takes a deep breath, pushing the feeling as far down as he could. No. He needed to dress himself. He dresses in reds and golds and there are a few things he wears that bear Yunmeng Jiang's symbol. He takes the jeweled ribbon and once again, kisses it, whispering his apologies to his dragon, before tucking it into his breast pocket.

Outside, he is composed and he is every inch the prince he's supposed to be and every inch the groom he's supposed to be. He's escorted by his father and mother to where the ceremony would take place. If he imagines, he could pretend he's walking to his dragon instead of Lan Xichen.

His eyes are distant as Jiang Wanyin walks towards him, but even if he was aware of it, he wouldn't expect anyone to notice. His expression is perfectly pleasant, a soft smile on his face and managing to maintain appropriate eye contact with anyone who looks at him.

The only one who might notice is his uncle, but the man is already at his side - and his attention is focused mostly on the Jiang king and queen. Whatever silent communication goes on between them, Lan Xichen honestly doesn't care.

Jiang Wanyin looks so very handsome, and if he could just - he doesn't know. He could imagine that this is his tiger, he supposes, to help him get through this, could lose himself in a fantasy where his tiger showed him his human form - and he can almost see it, how breathtaking Lan Xichen would find him if this truly was his tiger's form.

It is, perhaps, the most unfair thing that he has ever done to either of them, and he is immediately horrified at himself.

He promised his tiger that he wouldn't hide himself, that he wouldn't let himself be lost - but how else is he supposed to survive this ceremony? How else is he supposed to pledge himself to someone else? Just for right now, he promises, even though his tiger cannot hear him. Just to get through this, he will retreat into himself and just let everything wash over him.

He meets Lan Xichen, his husband to be, and knows it's cruel to everyone, including himself to imagine that he's standing next to his dragon, erasing Lan Xichen's presence and putting such a creature there. Did his dragon have a human form? Maybe. He doesn't care. He doesn't care who he hurts as he imagines his dragon beside him bowing and making their vows to the ancestors, to their parents, to each other.

In his heart, he makes the same vows that his mouth speaks, but to an entirely different person that is nowhere near the Cloud Recesses. He means the vows he made and is making again to his dragon. The words that he speaks aloud are but empty promises to Lan Xichen.

The celebrations that erupt around them is deafening and he wonders if anyone would see how miserable he looks. He dares a glance at his new husband. Or if anyone could see how absent his husband looks. The feast is one for the ages, easily putting everyone deep in their cups in celebratory congratulations to the new couple and the unification of two kingdoms. Jiang Cheng had to share a cup of wine with his husband. Then toast the wedding guests as they came to bear gifts to them. Each moment that passes has him tense more and more. Each raunchy joke that seems to come their way has him trying his damnedest to keep from snarling, from shifting and ripping their throats out and demand if this was entertainment enough for them.

It's late in the night when they finally retire to the wedding chambers, encouraged to fulfill their marital duties. Instead of being relaxed from the wine, Jiang Cheng is wound tighter than a coil. He's not drunk. His anger, his sadness, his grief kept him from truly feeling the effects of the alcohol. He can't...he can't do this. He simply...

Jiang Cheng looks at Lan Xichen. His husband. He deserves the right to know before Jiang Cheng accidentally shifts one day.

He is not sure he will remember any of this, if he's entirely honest. He is aware that he says his vows, but those are easy enough - they are traditional, written for him, and he has done nothing to elaborate on them. Generally, of course, one would use them as an outline, to make sure they hit all the points expected - remain loyal, provide for his husband, honor and respect him, put him second only to the good of the kingdom. The vows say nothing of love, of devotion, and where it is standard for a groom to make their own additions with such words, Lan Xichen does not.

His vows of love and devotion were made last night.

The rest of the evening passes in a blur. He is not drunk - he was tempted, briefly, but he knows what his reaction to alcohol is, and so he leans into some of his magic to burn off the alcohol every time he must drink.

He barely looks at his husband. It makes him feel horribly guilty not to, but then he feels guilty every time he looks over and sees how miserable he is, so what does it matter? He tells himself that it's only because everyone expects them to be so happy and in love, that when the honeymoon period has settled down and people let them be, they can fall into an amiable partnership, but that offers little comfort.

He never once snaps, never once lets the smile slip from his face. His eyes grow more and more distant, but he maintains picture perfect composure, pleasant and warm.

Even when they are finally able to leave, when they're ushered to their wedding chambers with plenty of well wishes, he is unable to drop it, too settled into it. It's only when his husband looks at him that it cracks, a Iittle, that he's able to look at Jiang Wanyin and truly see him.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "You deserve so much better. I-" He cuts off, shaking his head. "You don't have to stay the night with me."

“...there is an ability passed along the Yu line.”

He could at least tell him this. The marriage is official. Lan Xichen is now a co-heir of Yunmeng. Whatever he chooses to do with Jiang Cheng after he learns this part of himself changes nothing of the political tie.

“My sister does not have this ability. It was only passed to me.”

He couldn’t. He couldn’t hide this part of himself. The pain of heartbreak is too great for him to keep to his human self. The pitying look from Lan Xichen through dinner had been too much.

Jiang Cheng steps away from Lan Xichen and allows himself to shift and change until a large, purple tiger is standing before him in the wedding chambers.

His words are not what Lan Xichen expected. It snaps him even more back into himself, and he finds his curiosity growing as he watches Jiang Wanyin step back. What ability can he mean? He supposes it is not surprising that another royal family is also possessing of a unique ability - perhaps this means that he can break the rules once again, out of fairness to his husband, that he can tell him about -

His thoughts completely cut off when Jiang Wanyin begins to shift and change. He can't even formulate a denial at the sheer impossiblity, too wrapped up in his complete and utter shock. Lan Xichen stops breathing entirely as he stares at the large purple tiger before him - he seems so much bigger like this, looking on him with human eyes.

For a long moment, he is completely frozen.

And then he throws himself at his tiger, his arms wrapping around his neck as he buries his face into his fur, tears pricking at his eyes and a sob caught in his chest.

"My tiger," he murmurs into his ear. "My heart."

He nearly rears back and away when Lan Xichen practically throws himself at him, holding and hugging him tightly. His hackles rise a little and his ears flick at the sob, at how familiar Lan Xichen is acquainting himself to Jiang Cheng. He freezes when he hears Lan Xichen murmur into his ear.

No. It would be too much to hope for it. Too much. Lan Xichen wouldn't be that cruel of a person to have known his dragon and say such a thing. He pulls himself away, shifting back with a scowl on his features, truly showing anger. He searches Lan Xichen's face for any indicator that he is mocking him. Immediately, his hand goes up to his breast pocket, where his dragon's ribbon is tucked safely away. He can't decide if fate had been kind or cruel with how Lan Xichen held him like how--just like how--

He swallows thickly. Did he wish hard enough that it came true?

"...Dragon?" he asks shakily.

His tiger's hackles haven't gone up at sudden physical affection from him like this since they were young, since Lan Xichen finally got him used to it - but of course, of course his tiger - Wanyin - doesn't know it's him. He isn't strong enough in this form to truly resist his tiger pulling away, as much as he wants to stay pressed against him forever.

When he shifts back, and Jiang Wanyin stands before him once more - he remembers what he'd done at the beginning of the ceremony, how he'd imagined if this was his tiger's human form, and suddenly he can see him in that same light. Anger and all, Lan Xichen has never seen anything more beautiful.

"Yes. It's me, my tiger, I would never-" He cuts off with a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

His dragon form is too big for this room, but he doesn't care. He steps back and allows himself to shift until he stands there in full dragon form, white scales gleaming and the soft, feathery blue that lines his spine and horns puffed up, long body and tail curled in on himself to try to fit in the space.

He watches as Xichen's form grows and shifts until he fills up the entire room. From human eyes, his dragon is huge. Jiang Cheng lets out a choked sob of his own.

"It's--It's really you. You're--"

He knows his laugh sounds mad but he takes out the ribbon from the pocket it hid in and shifts once more, easily moving around the tight spaces until he could press himself against his dragon, ribbon wrapped around his foreleg. He immediately scents him, licks at his cheek, purring loud enough to fill the entire room.

It's you. It's really you. You're Lan Xichen?! You're the crown prince?!

Mad, perhaps, but so very lovely to Lan Xichen's ears - it suddenly feels unbearable that his tiger has been so miserable tonight, now that he knows exactly who it was standing next to him the whole time.

He unwraps himself as his tiger presses in, just enough that he can re-wrap around him so that he can feel the way his tiger purrs throughout his whole body. His own delighted laughter has a faint edge of madness - he wonders, briefly, if perhaps he did drink too much, if this is just a dream - but no, even in his dreams he would not have imagined that Jiang Wanyin actually was his tiger.

You are forgetting the most important thing of all. He nuzzles against his tiger's forehead. I am your husband.

He nuzzles back, closing his eyes in the familiarity, in the warmth, the love, the happiness that floods his entire being. Jiang Cheng shifts back into his human form, knowing the chambers, as large as they are, would barely hold the both of them in their shifted forms for too long. He doesn't move from where he is, holding his dragon--his Lan Xichen--'s muzzle in his arms, pressing his human forehead against the dragon forehead, mindful of his horns.

"And I am your husband. When we stood there, I made those vows to you."

Tears are spilling down his cheeks but he doesn't reach up to wipe them away. Jiang Cheng doesn't let go of his dragon. Not now, not ever.

He wraps himself tighter around his tiger - his Wanyin - as he shifts back into his smaller human form, leaving no room for gaps between them. There's a pleased rumble, loud enough to fill the room, when Wanyin presses his forehead against his again. He breathes as deeply as he can, pulling in the scent of him like this so he can memorize it as he has his tiger form - there's subtle differences, but it's obvious now they belong to the same person.

His long tongue flicks out, wiping up the tears for him - and then darts back in as he changes his mind. He unwinds himself slowly as he shifts back, although not completely human.

His ears are still pointed, horns still sprout from his forehead, his tail shorter but still present - and when he presses human lips to his Wanyin's cheeks, his tongue is still forked where it brushes against his skin. His heart breaks at how it must have felt, to have to say his vows to someone and mean them in his heart to another -

He was fooling himself, when he ever believed either of them could be content like that.

"I heard them," he whispers. "I heard them and I wished it was you there, I thought only of you." He swallows roughly. "I gave you the crown prince's marriage ribbon last night."

The crown prince's marriage ribbon? Jiang Cheng looks down at the ribbon he clutches so tightly in his hand, then back at Lan Xichen. He's even more handsome like this. Jiang Cheng wonders...

He allows himself to feel into his tiger side. Managing to sprout ears atop his head and the tail to appear. Jiang Cheng frowns and snarls a little, not noticing his teeth are just a little sharp like a tiger's. He turns and looks back at Lan Xichen, moving back into his arms, wanting to feel him again. Not wanting to be away from him ever again.

"So we really got married last night instead of tonight."

His expression lights up as Wanyin shifts partially, gaining his adorable ears and his lovely tail, and even his sharp teeth.

"My tiger is so handsome in every form," he murmurs teasingly, feeling a little thrill at saying it out loud.

He wraps his arms around his tiger when he steps back into them, snaking one up the back of his shoulders so he can rub gently at one of his ears. They're even softer against his human skin - and now he can scratch a little harder without worrying about too sharp teeth.

"Last night was for us." There's a slow smile of realization as it really starts to sink in past the shock. "Tonight was for them. We can have both, my tiger, we can have us."

Seeing his dragon light up like that brings a joy to Jiang Cheng's own heart that he thought he would never feel again. He rubs his face against Xichen's and feels the rumble from deep within him when he feels the scratch along one of his ears. The entire chambers fill up with his purrs and Jiang Cheng freezes. That...certainly hasn't happened before. Neither has he been able to partially shift. What Xichen says has him holding his husband even tighter.

"Now and forever more, we can have us."

He beams, so happy he could have this, that finally, finally something good had happened in his life.

"My heart." He sounds utterly delighted at the purring - a very similar tone to the one he'd had the first time he heard his tiger purr, though of course, he hadn't called him his heart back then.

It makes him scratch more as he nuzzles his face into Wanyin's, reveling in the difference now that it is skin against skin rather than fur against fangs. Holding him this close, looking into his eyes - how could he have not known? His eyes are not quite the same, and yet they are, they are his tiger.

But of course, back when Jiang Wanyin was only a stranger, it would not have been proper for him to stare into his eyes like this even if he had wanted to.

He pulls one hand away so he can reach back to take Wanyin's, the one that still clutches his ribbon. His fingers tug carefully at it.

"May I?"

His voice aloud sounds so different than when they were speaking with their minds. Jiang Cheng hadn't given Xichen the time of day and yet if he had, he would've noticed, would've seen that Xichen and his dragon were one and the same. He looks at their joined hands. Everything's different yet everything's the same. There's no danger of one of them accidentally clawing the other or biting the other.

A look of confusion passes his features, his ears flick a little at the request, then he carefully opens his hand to allow Xichen to take the ribbon. His tail swishes back and forth, curled at the end in curiosity rather than annoyance.

"I was so close to calling for you," he admits quietly. "during the reception, during the ceremony."

The happiness in his Wanyin's eyes, the relaxed curiosity, the way he lets his tail swish and curl - such a difference from yesterday and this afternoon. If Lan Xichen let himself, he could work himself up with guilt at recalling how he hadn't pressed him when he was miserable, hadn't tried as hard as he should to comfort him.

But he doesn't. He's too happy for guilt, too overwhelmed with joy and disbelief.

"I would have come," he admits, equally quietly. "The way I felt, I would have left everything at one word from you." He runs his fingers over the ribbon. "I should have called for you. I promised I would when I started to lose myself, but I didn't know how else to get through a ceremony to someone who wasn't you."

He wraps the marriage ribbon around his tiger's neck again - he has to loop it around a few times to get it to sit securely now that he's human, and he ties it off with the silver jeweled cloud showing proudly.

Once he finishes the tie, Jiang Cheng shows off his neck.

"What do you think?"

He reaches up and runs his fingers along the silver jeweled cloud, smiling softly. Before Xichen could give his answer, Jiang Cheng puts his arms around him and kisses him. Finally. Finally, is able to kiss him as a human and feel lips against lips. The rush of joy still runs through his heart - his dragon, his beloved dragon whom he was ready to fight the world for is the same man that he had been arranged to spend the rest of his life with.

Whatever answer he might have given suddenly seems of little importance next to Wanyin kissing him. He sinks into it, one arm sliding around his waist and his other hand sinking into Wanyin's hair, stroking his fingers through it until he reaches his ear again.

His lips part just a little, sucking gently on Wanyin's lower lip before he breaks the kiss.

"I thought of this," he murmurs against Wanyin's lips, kissing him again. "So many times, even before last night. I wanted you."

Which had been... complicated, when they were a tiger and a dragon, but he had wanted anyway. Now he has him, now nothing can ever separate them again.

He feels the rumble in his chest again, purring loudly at the feeling of Xichen's fingers scratching along his ear. He gasps at the suck along his lip, feeling it stir the want deep within him. Jiang Cheng reaches up to hold his face, keeping him as close as he could. He kisses him back when he kisses him again.

"I wanted too."

That had been an awakening when he was older. He had wondered if his dragon had a human form, what it was, how it would feel to kiss, to hold. He kisses him again, finding himself drawn in again and again.

There's that purr again. He smiles into the kiss, and feels it pull an answering rumble from his own chest, a low, contented growl that only deepens when Wanyin holds his face close.

He wonders, now, that they're like this - what else might make his Wanyin purr. Could he scratch along his spine like he did with his tiger form? Mouth at his ears, press his face into his neck, kiss down his stomach? Would he let him run his hands over his body, exploring his human form until he knew it better than his tiger?

"Would you-" His tails swishes behind him, not in agitation, just absently as he attempts to word what he wants to say. "Would you be comfortable if we stayed like this tonight?"

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